Days of Wine and Roses...and occasionally Tequila

Out of the Mouths of Babes

2009-11-18T19:30:00.001-08:00

Today I was sitting on the curb with a 4 year old. She wondered what fun things I might have in my purse. As I showed her how boring my purse has become, I told her I didn't carry too many fun things. She said, "Mommy does." I said, "Yes, I used to carry crayons and books and gum for my little girls too; thats what mommiess do." Very astutely the four year old reminded me that I was a mommy too. Then I explained that my little girls were grown up now and could carry their own purses. In an instant the 4 year old said, "One of your girls is in heaven now--Miss Megan." Then she took my hand and said, "I miss her; I wish she'd come back." To which I could only reply, "Me too baby, me too..."

Not my words, just my feelings

2009-11-08T10:22:00.000-08:00

I ran into this poem today and it spoke so deeply to my heart:

Room Full of Memories

I walk into your vacant room.
A slight fragrance of you remains
haunting the air like an icon
on the pages of my memories.
All your personal possessions are gone,
here where I watched you bloom.

Leafing through chapters, my heart sighs.
What good times we shared along with bad.
I see you there, a charming baby,
then as the pages turn quickly
you're a high school beauty having fun.
I can't stop the tears flowing from my eyes.

Joy and pain stored as souvenirs,
guilt and pleasure mixed together.
If I could only change the print
I'd erase our foolish mistakes.
I lay aside the memory book.
Life consists of laughter and tears.

Parenting has come to an end
and how I lament its passing.
I shall miss sitting on your bed
talking with you in the evening,
rubbing your back and stroking your head-
but you are leaving as my friend.

--Judy A. Barnes

And a new adventure begins

2009-10-05T19:32:00.000-07:00

Today marks my wonderful husband's first day on his new job. For those who don't know, he'd been woefully unhappy for the last year or two of his old job. Long story, won't get into it. As Megan's condition worsened, his love of his old job lessened. As rival companies heard of his unhappiness, they began swarming like bees to honey. This company essentially told him, "Hey, we know you can't do anything right now. We're not interviewing anyone else for this position. When your situation changes, lets talk and iron out the details." So the details were later ironed and he is now in Houston beginning a new adventure.

So, where does his adventure leave me??? Good question I'd say. Since I'm not terribly fond of southern summertime heat and humidity, we've decided to keep our home in Utah. We'll find something for Houston and I'll commute every few weeks to visit friends and have a semblance of a social life. And I'll spend most of the summers in Utah.

I will rekindle some old friendships from our Houston days. We've already emailed several couple that we knew "back in the day." Actually, those days were 22+ years ago.

But for now, I must concentrate on finding a home in Houston. Houston's a big place--lots and lots of houses. Hopefully, it will be like finding the right guy to marry--you don't have to date every guy (see every house), you just have to date the right one (see the right one.)

A life in storage

2009-09-17T08:48:00.000-07:00

I spent 2 hours yesterday starting the process of clearing out Megan's condo. I feel fortunate that we own the condo and I haven't been pressured by an over-anxious landlord to get everything out quickly. The gal who rented the second bedroom has been very wonderful and patient. She will move into Megan's room when its ready and Greg (Megan's old roommate who moved to New Zealand for the summer) will take his old room back.

So the boxes are slowing being packed. I don't really know what you do with a lifetime of memories. Even with a short 26 year life there are so many items. What do I keep? What do I give away to friends? What do I trash? I find myself trying to keep too much. Then I get pragmatic and realize that the red shirt isn't Megan; the red shirt is just a shirt, although it was a shirt that Megan enjoyed.

Boxes of books for the library, bags of clothes for charity, clothes for friends to go through for their teeny tiny daughters, all of these things are being sorted. But what about notes from old boyfriends and old journals from high school? I'm not ready to read it all. I know Megan; she carried alot of anger, especially as a teenager and especially toward me. No need to read that when I know she loved me at the end. But maybe one day? Maybe I should hold onto them for the "one day."

So much of Megan is in that tiny condo. It will be hard to see all of her things boxed up and stored away. It feels like I'm putting her life in storage. A life that deserved to be lived more fully than she got. A life that we all deserved to see fulfilled. I think we all deserved a whole lot more than this.

6 weeks--time isn't healing anything

2009-09-08T12:45:00.000-07:00

It is now 6 weeks and 3 days since Megan left us. (I usually say she died, but since today I'm feeling pitiful, I'm going with the full victimization and saying she LEFT us--like she had a choice...)

I thought somehow it would start to be easier by now. It seems to have gotten more difficult.

Perhaps I was too busy with all the details that come with death. Funeral arrangements, family, food for the masses, etc. No time to think.

And then I was too busy when my parents house burned down just a week and a half after the funeral. I scurried to Louisiana to see if I could help. Lots to do when a house burns down. No time to think. Two weeks later I returned home.

And then I had an old high school pal visit for another week. So much to do in that week we had together. No time to think.

So now the grief just crushes me. I'm not a crier. Seriously, I hate to cry. I especially hate to cry in front of people. But I find myself crying at the most unexpected times. And I find this lack of control so utterly "not me." I mean, who cries over a Christmas that has yet to happen or cries at "so you think you can dance" marathons or cries in the middle of a Mexican restaurant when they see a little girl picking her nose?

Yep, I'm a mess. And I see no way to clean up the mess. Not enough time for that either.

Damn World

2009-08-05T10:39:00.000-07:00

I don't know why, but Reba's song, "I guess the world didn't stop for my broken heart" just keeps playing in my mind. For some reason the sun keeps coming up, the garbage man makes his weekly rounds, the pets still want to be fed. I guess I should just plan on being part of this world, whether I want to or not.

Megan's Obituary

2009-07-29T13:10:00.000-07:00

Megan Leigh Brown February 2,1983-July 25, 2009

Our daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, and friend passed away after a 4 year battle with ovarian cancer. Megan was born in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. As a child, she lived in Humble, Texas and Jenks, Oklahoma. She moved to Park City in 1994. She graduated in 2001 from Park City High where she was on the Dance and Academic Decathlon teams. Megan graduated from Mary Washington University in Fredericksburg, Virginia with a degree in English in 2005. While in college, she danced and choreographed for the school’s performing arts group. She returned to Utah following graduation and discovered that Park City was where she wanted to live forever. She was last employed at Park City Mountain Resort. Megan’s great loves were family and friends, great literature, not-so-great trashy romance novels, dance of all types, travel, and the Utah Jazz. Megan leaves behind her parents, Kevin and Marie Brown (Park City), a sister, Sydney Lynne Brown (Baton Rouge, Louisiana), Grandparents, Darrell and Lavonne Brown (Conway, Arkansas) Curney and Shirley Lyons (Gonzales, Louisiana), numerous uncles, aunts, and cousins, and countless friends. Services will be held on Thursday, July 30th at 3:00 PM at the Park City Community Church in Park City. At Megan’s request, friends are invited to wear bright, happy colors so she can see us from above. In lieu of flowers, family has asked the donations be made to The Blanton-Davis Ovarian Cancer Research Program at MD Anderson Cancer Center, PO Box 4486, Houston, TX 77210 or The Huntsman Cancer Foundation, Memorial and Honor Program, 500 Huntsman Way, Salt Lake City, UT 84108. Special thanks to the many health care professionals who assisted Megan and her family in this difficult journey.

Long Days, Longer Nights

2009-07-13T10:42:00.000-07:00

It seems the roller coaster ride is nearing its end.

We've had several near misses the last few weeks. Yesterday I called the hospice nurse and told her that something was different. Megan was very uncommunicative, had fallen a couple of times, and was generally weaker than normal. So the nurse came out. Blood pressure was hard to find; she guessed it was 70/60, but it was probably lower than that. Pulse ox seemed fine as did the heart rate. But I followed her out and asked what we should expect in the next few weeks. (I'm the type who just does better if I know whats going on before it actually goes on.) She told me that Megan probably has 1, possibly 2, weeks of coherence. Then we should expect her in a semi-conscious to unconscious state. After that, it can be days, weeks, or longer--it will just depend on how Megan's vital organs have been affected and how strong they are.

Kevin's folks are here now and were planning on going back to Arkansas on in a week; now they're not so sure. Not much use in driving back to AR only to have to come back for a service. My folks are playing it by ear to see what feels right. Everyone is trying to find "bright, happy" clothes because Megan has told me she doesn't want everyone in black and grey at her service. She wants to be able to see us from above.

This is all surreal. Who shops for new clothes for their child's funeral? I have no idea how we'll get through this...

Doctors who go beyond...

2009-07-08T12:19:00.001-07:00

Who has ever heard of a doctor, a surgeon no less, making a housecall?

Megan's gynecological oncologist called yesterday and asked if she could come up and visit. She came after a full day of surgery, still in her scrubs. She sat with Megan and then visited with the rest of us. She had a note for Megan which she said she had to write because she wouldn't be able to say the words. It was beautiful--she wrote that she named her clinic the Monarch Women's Cancer Center because she believes that transformations take place with cancer, sometimes through a cure, sometimes not. And she finished the note by saying that she was certain that Megan would be transformed into the strong healthy woman she once was. And that she would miss her.

I've never witnessed such compassionate care in my entire life... We are fortunate to have found such a doctor. I wish no less for everyone with any life-threatening disease.

Hospice Cares

2009-06-26T17:58:00.000-07:00

It may not sound like much, but having a little helping hand today has made life, if not easy, at least less manic.

From something as simple as helping me figure out the metric equivalents for IV electrolytes (I never mastered the metric system) to something as grand as having a wheelchair delivered so we can take Megan out for short outings--this is what hospice did today.

And for just being available to listen, thanks.

4 Year "Cancer-versary"

2009-06-04T21:17:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Megan's 4th Cancer-versary. I remember all too well those first few days of her diagnosis. To say it was heartbreaking would be an understatement. Walking through a hallway, realizing that we were on an oncology floor--is that how people figure out they really have cancer? Calling my parents and telling them the prognosis--is anything harder? Listening to a surgeon explain the extent of the surgery and what was ripped out--is that my own heart being ripped out? Hearing the odds of survival--is she going to be the miracle?

But she's made it 4 years. I don't know if she'll make it to 5. She's down to 80 lbs. and is back in the hospital tonight to have an infusion of magnesium and potassium. But she's made it 4 years.

Are we supposed to wish her a happy cancer-versary? I have to say no festivities are planned. Nope, nothing to celebrate, except the fact that she's made it 4 years.

Some of Syd's Scrapbook

2009-01-03T11:42:00.000-08:00

Holiday Update

2009-01-03T11:23:00.000-08:00

A few pics that highlight our Christmas holiday.
This first one shows Megan and Sydney's joy at getting a new tv. Megan's was here at home; Syd's was waiting for her in BR.

Sydney and I had the same great idea for gifts. We gave one another cookbooks by the Barefoot Contessa...

And some boys never really grow up. Kevin got his Wii game.

This is a needlepoint piece that Megan gave me.

Back Stage Pass

2008-11-10T11:58:00.000-08:00

Kevin and I had the opportunity to go back stage at last week's Collin Ray concert. It was a very small venue, probably 200 seats, so it was very intimate and comfortable. The acoustics were fabulous. And to be able to go back and meet the singer...well it was alot more than I expected. He was as down to earth and sweet as we could have hoped.

Another afghan finished

2008-11-06T08:13:00.000-08:00

Our group, the Loosely Knit Group, tries to do an afghan a month. The recipient is decided before we start. Its usually a patient going through chemotherapy. Every person thinks about or prays for the recipient and then they get the blanket knowing that this community has kept them in prayer during their journey. We've also done blankets for families who have lost loved ones. We just want to wrap them in love and good thoughts and the blanket is a physical manifestation of those sentiments.

This is the most recent afghan that we've completed. We got together Monday and put our "squares" together. Someone else will crochet the border. It is going to a local teacher who is battling colon cancer. Most of our kids have experienced her classroom finesse, so this one is sorta personal.

Post Election Ponderings

2008-11-05T16:10:00.000-08:00

So, another Presidential election is now one for the history books. And what a history it is!

I have no idea if the American people elected the right leader. I do wonder if the two choices put before us were the absolute best that this country has to offer. I, personally, know men and women who seem better suited to the job. But I know of no one with enough common sense AND humility who would put themselves and their families into the circus we call public service. Anyone with any mistakes or errors of judgement is subjected to such scrutiny that we would all fail the test on some level.

As for the people who have strong beliefs that this was the right OR wrong choice, if we've made the wrong choice, we get another chance to vote in 4 years and rectify our mistakes, if we've made the right choice, we can live in peace (hopefully) and freedom, knowing that our voices were heard. That's the beauty of the American Democratic system.

Time Flies

2008-11-03T09:48:00.000-08:00

Where did the weekend go? It sure seemed to fly by...

We didn't have very many trick or treaters this year. We never do, but we seem to get fewer and fewer each year. Our neighbors hosted a party next door; we put out a sign directing the little goblins to the party place. All of us put our candy in a row on a bench and when the few trick or treaters came by they could get a huge ration at one time.

Saturday evening we had another get-together: dinner and dominoes. Had a great time, but it was a long night. Luckily, we had that extra hour with day light savings time ending... Kevin and I came in second place (as a couple) and got a book--something like The 1000 place your must see before you die. I think I'd better get busy. Gonzales, Louisiana wasn't on the list. No accounting for taste.

Yesterday was alot of puttering around the house. We got the cushions off the deck furniture just before it started snowing. Made a big pot of spaghetti sauce, knitted a bit. Essentially, took it easy.

Now the week begins again. Lots to do, not enough time (or energy) to do it all.

Halloween Party

2008-10-31T14:17:00.000-07:00

The annual Spice Girls Bunko Halloween party was last night. Oh, what fun. Lots of creative costumes and time spent with some great gals.

Here's me in my prize winning, fat ballerina costume...

Lets see, also in attendance: a whoopie cushion, a fat chef, a very sexy Bo Peep, and my personal favorite, Paradise (a pair of dice, get it?)

Got a JOB!

2008-10-29T15:08:00.000-07:00

Yikes...what have I gotten myself into? I just got hired by Deer Valley Resort. I'll be in reservations, booking private and group ski lessons. The commitment is only 3 days a week, and I'm not sure I'm up for it. I know I'll enjoy the interaction with the other employees and the guests from out of town, and I know I really need to be doing something other than obsessing about life. But I'm not sure about getting up early in the mornings. Oh, how I hate to second guess myself... I start training November 19th...

Some things never change

2008-10-28T11:31:00.001-07:00

This came by way of an email. Don't know if the source is true, but if it is... wouldn't that be something?
The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance.

-- Cicero , 55 BC

Makes No Sense

2008-10-27T09:34:00.001-07:00

I spent yesterday afternoon at a friend's husband's memorial service. By all accounts, he was a smart, kind, gentle man. But, for reasons unknown to most, he didn't think his life was worth living and decided to end it all. He left behind a grieving wife and two heartbroken children. His son is a Marine helicopter pilot, set to be married next month and then deploy to Iraq; his daughter is a college graduate, just starting her adult life.

I can't figure out how there are people who will fight so hard for life and there are others who just throw it all away. It is such a mystery why some people just can't appreciate this incredible gift of life. Actually, it sorta hacks me off! The logical side of my brain understands that depression is as much a disease as heart disease or cancer and left untreated it is just as deadly--but why didn't he get help!?! Why didn't he seek treatment!?! I know what we would give to save a life; why didn't he see what he had? Just makes me sad...

More Cancer News

2008-10-22T09:05:00.001-07:00

Who's tired of cancer talk? Then skip this post... its all I've got.

Just heard from Megan and Kevin. They've been in Houston for her monthly check up at MD Anderson. Yesterday was spent in clinic doing blood work, chest x-rays, CT scans and other fun stuff. Today was her day with the doctor. Her magnesium is a tad low (what a shocker...sarcasm), CA 125 went down slightly, from 149 to 143, and here's the biggie... drum roll please...

some of the tumor nodules in her lungs have disappeared and the tumor they are monitoring in her gyn. tract went down to less than 1 cm! Huge news! Big applause! Standing ovation!

Seriously, this is not a cure all. But it is the most hopeful news we've had in quite a while. This experimental drug might be the time buyer we've prayed for... Its hard to believe that after the horrible summer we had--a summer when I seriously thought I was going to lose my child before fall arrived--it looks as though we'll get to have a full out holiday season!

Escape-ism

2008-10-21T17:10:00.000-07:00

Today was the annual Friends of the Library Luncheon. The speaker was Carolyn Jessop, the woman whose plight to escape polygamy made national headlines. She's been on Oprah and some of the morning talk shows. What an incredible woman! She was visibly nervous which made her story so much more authentic. After growing up in such a closed society, it was completely believeable that she would still be nervous before a group from "the outside." Of course, I would like to think our little "friends" group would be less intimidating than Oprah, but you never know...

I've ordered the book, "Escape", and can't wait for it to arrive. My friends who have already read it said it is quite the page turner.

Not so Manic Monday

2008-10-13T09:38:00.000-07:00

I know its customary to hate Mondays. But I'm really starting to like them--alot. Its always the day I'm going to start my diet and its always the day I'm going to start exercising. And last week I did... and this week I did. By Tuesday, well, diets and exercise regiments usually go to hell by Tuesday.

Another reason I'm starting to like Mondays--I have the house to myself. KB's cell phone is not ringing, no one is asking what I want to have for breakfast, lunch, etc, I can watch whatever I want on tv or (and this is really the best) I can have complete and utter silence. Oh silence--the sound of peace.

So today will be filled with mundance tasks. Running to the library to donate some books, doing a little bill-paying on the rental properties, sorting laundry, maybe even going through a few boxes of clothes. I love mundance tasks--especially on a cold, almost snowy day like this wonderful Monday.

Trip to Yellowstone

2008-10-07T07:52:00.000-07:00

Kevin and I went to Jackson Hole and Yellowstone last weekend. What a great time of year! Perfect weather, gorgeous leaves, no huge crowds. It was great to get away for just a bit--not exactly Hawaii (which we had to cancel AGAIN this year...) but it was still relaxing.

Just a quick catch up...

2008-10-03T08:34:00.000-07:00

For my 2 1/2 readers:

The summer has flown by. Fall has arrived. And yes, I haven't posted anything since May. Although much has happend.

So--a short summary:

Summer was tough for Megan and us. We really thought we were losing her in July/August. We flew with her to DC to the National Institute of Health's Cancer Institute. After a couple of days of complete inefficiency, they determined that Megan didn't fit the trials in which we were interested. Seriously, from the bus driver to the attending physician and almost everyone in between, Megan had a bad feeling. So we came home feeling very dejected. But then that four letter word "hope" raised its head again and really smart folks from right here in Utah came up with a procedure that eliminated the pain and pressure. (Many thanks to Dr. Zempolich at St. Marks and Dr. Adler at U of Utah and their collaborative spirit.) She stabilized enough for us to bring her to M D Anderson in Houston. She qualified for a clinical trial and has been on this new drug for about 6 weeks. So far, so good. She's been back once and the tumor they are following has shrunk 25%.

Sydney spent the summer looking for work. She's finally employed by CASA (court appointed special advocates) training volunteers who advocate for kids in foster care. Not alot of pay, but it is rewarding in other ways. And it is good experience.

I'm debating going back to work. Things have stabilized around here, but I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Getting out of the house would probably help keep my mind off crap. I know I could work in the ski industry again, but I really don't think I need the aggravation of working holidays and weekends. Since feeling valued is more of an issue than money, I think I'll look around and see what looks fun.

So, maybe I'll try and do better with this posting stuff; maybe someone will read this stuff; maybe someone will even leave a comment or two. Who knows...

Cabo San Lucas

2008-05-25T11:18:00.000-07:00

Syd's Graduated!!!!

2008-05-25T10:04:00.000-07:00

Sydney is now officially a graduate of LSU! Here are a few pictures taken following graduation. We celebrated her accomplishment with an extended family dinner at a great restaurant in Baton Rouge. And then our immediate family (plus her boyfriend Michael) took off for a family vacation in Cabo. Those pics will follow soon.

LSU Homecoming 2007

2007-11-12T12:07:00.000-08:00

What a happy time for our family... Sydney was named Homecoming Queen in front of 90,000 LSU fans. It was quite a night.

One week and 4 days post surgery--ramblings

2007-10-09T19:37:00.000-07:00

Well, we're still here in the hospital. Tomorrow will be two weeks that she's been in this depressing, althought beautiful by hospital standards, room.

I really, REALLY, thought she'd be home by now. I thought we'd have been sent home with a fine assortment of pain meds 5 days post-op. But her intestines aren't working yet and today she has developed a kidney infection and started vomiting again. There is some talk of putting that gosh awful tube through her nose and into her stomach again.

So we continue to sit. I'm tired of sitting; I'm tired of being strong; and I'm tired of being so very alone. Cancer is so damn isolating. Its so difficult on Megan. She's the one getting poked and prodded. Her friends have visited, but they have healthy lives to live. They can't possibly "get it." And my friends have visited. And their visits help tremendously--but sometimes it just isn't enough.

I miss my old life. I miss having a dinner that doesn't come in a pizza box or a burger bag. I miss going to the store and running into friends with the latest gossip. I even miss sleeping with a husband who snores like a freight train. Right now, we mostly pass each other in the hospital hallway.

And I miss having a healthy family. Make no mistake--cancer might be in Megan's body, but it is attacking all of us.

I watch these large families for which Utah is so famous for. They all come to the hospital and they share the burden of this disease. This may be the first time I've ever envied that large family concept. Because I honestly believe this burden is really too large for just me and Kevin. I know people love to say that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. I can tell you that this is too much of too much. If I thought God gave this to us, I would lose my faith completely. If God was responsible for this, I would be done.

Enough ramblings.

Sitting and Hoping

2007-10-01T10:43:00.000-07:00

Well, here I sit at Huntsman Cancer Hospital. Megan was admitted last Wednesday and had her surgery last Friday. It was a "real" surgery not a laproscopic look-see. Took a little over 5 hours. The news was a mixed bag. The surgeon was able to fix the narrowing between the stomach and the small bowel by making a by-pass in a different section of the stomach that connects to the small bowel a little lower down. Because of some larger size tumors, they resected a bit more of the lower bowel, leaving her the minimum amount of bowel needed to absorb nutrients. And the worst of it was all the small sized tumor nodules that were left behind. The surgeon said it looked like someone had tossed a handfull of rice sized tumors throughout the abdominal cavitiy. So, they couldn't get all of that.

So the next step is recovery. It is slow. Megan is a trooper. She's been up and about--even showing off the art in the hallways to her friends. And then more chemo. Our greatest hope is that with the right chemotherapy agents, we can buy enough time for some of the promising drugs that are in the research pipeline. Maybe one of them will be Megan's magic bullet!

I am not without my pity party--table for one. I am committed to staying positive for 95% of every day. If I need 5% to grieve for what Megan has lost, for what we have lost, for what we may lose in the future--well, thats what I need and I'll take it.

That four letter word--hope

2007-08-03T15:30:00.000-07:00

The last week and a half turned into quite the roller coaster ride. Megan's regular medical oncologist essentially told us that he could not cure her and he didn't know anyone who could. Not new news, but we still left feeling heartbroken and devastated. That very night she would up in the e.r. with another partial bowel obstruction. Oh the conversations one can have with a daughter in the e.r...

Fast forward one week--we meet with her gynecological oncologist (surgeon). I was very straight and to the point: we have not been getting answers that we like; we have the means and can and will go anywhere and meet with anyone who might give us a chance; is this the best place and does anyone here have a plan? She looked at the chart, the ct scan results and told us there are reasons for cautious optimism. She doesn't have a silver bullet but she thinks it is reasonable to find out what is going on. Is is cancer causing the obstructions? Probably--but we don't know that for sure. So her suggestions were twofold (almost threefold): 1)needle asperation to access the liquid in Megan's stomach for signs of cancer cells; if cancer is present, proceed with chemotherapy or 2) laproscopic surgery to see what is going on; if it is scar tissue that is causing the obstruction proceed with more invasive procedure to fix the problem; if it is a tumor that is localized, proceed with more invasive surgery to remove it and start chemotherapy; if the tumor is not localized, proceed with chemotherapy without additional invasive surgery. All in all, we felt like there is hope--like there is someone who thinks this might work.

It is Megan's decision. The needle asperation scares the daylight out of her. But it surely seems alot less risky. And we can still get valuable information. Of course, if she wants the surgery, we will support that decision too. Let the mulling begin...

Tonight may we all drink a toast to hope--a four letter word that doesn't get used enough. And may we also say a prayer of thanksgiving for those who can give hope in the most hellish of times.

The High Uintahs

2007-07-30T14:03:00.000-07:00

I went into the Uintah Mountains for a little mental vacation this weekend. I really needed to get away from the activity of town to ease my troubled soul. Here are a few pictures I took. I hope they capture the peace and beauty of the area:

Dianne's Floatathon

2007-07-13T04:52:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to my good friend Dianne!

We celebrated her special day with a day of boating on a local reservoir. It hadn't rained in over 30 days and on our planned fun day the sky was dark and ominous. But the weather held off (except for that menacing funnel cloud...)and we made the most of it. What a blast. We decided that we won't wait for another birthday to do this again.

Summertime in the West

2007-07-10T08:02:00.000-07:00

Remember the saying, "Be careful what you wish for?" Winters last so long in the mountains with snow well into May. So by June, we are wishing for summer. It usually arrives sometime in late June to late July. But this year, it has arrived with a vengeance! Hot, hot, hot and dry, dry, dry. Portions of the west are infernos.

But enough about the west--what about ME? All I want to do is spend a little quality time outside and unless I get out there before 10 AM, it is just too darn hot and dry. Is it too much to want to garden or hike a bit? Because I am attempting to be a better citizen, we are not watering out lawn very frequently and my yard and flowers are all going to hell. And because of the smoke from the wildfires, I am in a constant state of sneezing and sniffling. Hurray for Benadryl!

Summers really are the best time of year in the mountains. Concerts in the park, drives with the top down, dinners on the deck--great times that are pretty hard to beat. Just be sure and wear a hat and sunscreen. And try to realize how short our summers really are.

But today I sit thinking about the coolness of fall and the downright coldness of winter. I know that the arctic chill of winter will come and I'll be complaining about it too. But for now, I think I'll kick the AC down a few degrees.

A Boy and His Toy

2007-07-06T19:43:00.000-07:00

So, here's KB and the latest proof of his midlife crisis...

Ramblings of a cosmo-laced mind

2007-06-26T21:11:00.000-07:00

First of all--one should not drink white cosmos if one is already down in the dumps. Trust me, it just makes the dumps a worst place.

Second of all--one should not try to blog while drinking cosmos and in the dumps. Life is tough enough...

So--the last 7 days have been "sucky" to say the least.

My oldest cousin, Donna, died of breast cancer. She was 59 and a most amazing woman. She understood childrearing long before we had the likes of Oprah, Dr. Phil, etc. to explain it to us. She got "IT"--that to raise polite, kind, sweet kids, one must model politeness, kindness, and sweetness. She didn't just model it; she was it.

My neighbor and friend Sarah was diagnosed with breast cancer. To say the least, I am cancered-out. I mean, I know everyone hates the disease, but I've just had more than my share of cancer news in the last couple of years.

And then... this stupid home remodel has me in a complete and utter state of aggravation. This project was supposed to be 4-6 weeks. As of last night, the earliest completion date is sometime in September. That will put us at 6 MONTHS! I'm ready to hang any and all contractors and subcontractors. They are just hacking me off!

Oh--and knowing I have to go to Louisiana in the next few weeks for my parents' 50th wedding anniversary. Louisiana in July--nuff said.

Okay--so now the cosmo has made me sleepy. Like I said, cosmos and blogging--not a good combination.

A Great Dad

2007-06-18T18:39:00.000-07:00

Here's to my dad--the keeper of great treasures in his shirt pocket

Defining and redefining our lives

2007-05-31T11:35:00.000-07:00

Good news comes in unexpected forms--like finding out that the lump one's daughter finds is really a rib. After teasing her about the difference between tumors and ribs, we are breathing a sigh of relief.

I know that once someone you love has a cancer diagnosis, everything--and I do mean everything--seems to exist in terms of the disease. "We went on that trip in the spring of 2005--that was before cancer." Or "That was the first Christmas with cancer." Or "I don't think we've done anything like that since cancer."

I'm hoping that with increasing good news our lives will not be defined strictly in terms of the disease. I think if we allow our lives to be restricted by something like cancer--then cancer wins. I'd like to think we can beat this disease on some, if not every, level.

Another Quote

2007-05-27T18:57:00.000-07:00

“There are moments in life when the forces that be hit us over the head and say, ‘Here. Now. Pay attention. This is important.’ In these concussive moments we are left with a choice: to open our hearts and gather what wisdom we can or to shut down ….” --Maria Sirois from Every Day Counts

More beach pics

2007-05-20T11:16:00.000-07:00

For some reason these pics weren't included in the last post. Don't know why...

Beach Time

2007-05-20T10:53:00.000-07:00

Just returned from a much needed attitude adjustment in Destin, Florida. I love, love, love the beach. Weather was perfect, water was an amazing shade of turquoise. Spent most of the time under an umbrella, just watching the world go by. Oh--and as always, I made my presence known as a Jazz fan...

How 'bout dem Jazz?

2007-05-20T10:35:00.000-07:00

We flew to Houston for the last game of the Houston Rockets/Utah Jazz series. It was quite a last-minute thing. Kevin and I were in full fan mode. We were surrounded and booed by the Houston fans as we approached the Toyota center and security escorted us into the arena. The outcome was perfect for the Utah fans. It was a whirlwind 24 hour trip, but what a great memory. BTW, Battier is now on my list of NBA hotties...

A favorite quote

2007-04-24T09:29:00.000-07:00

"I would like to achieve a state of inner spiritual grace from which I could function and give as I was meant to in the eye of God."

--Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift from the Sea

Welcome to Daniel Ryan

2007-04-19T13:50:00.000-07:00

Like Mother, Like Daughter

2007-04-03T20:10:00.000-07:00

These are pictures of Sydney and me taken nearly 25 years apart. The one of me (in the pink dress) was taken in about 1963; the one of Sydney was taken in 1988. And in 2007, we still wish our friends a blessed and happy Easter.

Emptying the Nest--All Over Again

2007-03-05T10:12:00.000-08:00

I remember the first phase of our first empty nest. August 2001--we flew to Virginia and spent two hurried days shopping for Megan's first dorm at Mary Washington College. I couldn't help but feel immense pride at this brave child of mine--going to college, far from home, far from family, far from friends. She had been a shy, introverted young girl but somehow she had grown up able to face the world head-on. What more could a parent dream for their child?

Fast forward to summer 2005--I sat with Megan as she watched our friends move her belongings out of her very first "grown up" apartment. She loved her quirky apartment in "the avenues." But she realized that it would be a long while (if ever)before she would be able to manage on her own. She grieved for everything she had already lost in her young adult life--her apartment, her job, her future children. Cancer robs everyone of something; it seemed to take more than its fair share from her. I wasn't sure she would survive long enough to grasp the enormity of it all. My dreams for her were more immediate--just survive...

And now--2007. The movers arrived in the morning snow storm. But none of us cared about the weather. She was so ready!

Getting to move into her own place again is such a big step. I wasn't sure the day would ever arrive. She feels strong and is able to work almost full time. She has days that are bad, but most of her days are good, or at least manageable. But I'm the mom and the worry is always there. Will she eat? Will she keep the place clean enough? Will she take her meds? Will she get rest?

Her bedroom is nearly empty. The rest of the house is dotted with pieces of her leaving. But my heart is still full of love. And my dream for her today is the same as it has always been--be happy.

Day after VD

2007-02-15T14:27:00.000-08:00

Happy Day after Valentines Day--a holiday created by Hallmark and FTD.

We went to a cute cafe that does not take reservations. We had a 35 minute wait--not too bad for a couples' holiday. Then, being the romantics that we are, we took off for the Jazz game where it looked like Cleveland was going to sock it to us. But somehow, in the final quarter, the Jazz pulled their heads out of their butts and actually won the game. Yeah Us! 35 and 17 season, so far. Looks like we'll be back in the playoffs this year.

Tomorrow we're leaving for Vegas and the NBA All Star Weekend. The boys will do all the "basketball stuff" and the girls will go to shows, malls, and pool and spa areas. Vegas is a perfect town--truly something for everyone. We'll see the "Love" show by Cirque du Soleil and then we'll see Danny Gans. And I'm sure we'll hit our favorite restaurants and maybe try a couple of new ones. (And somehow, through the weekend, I'm supposed to stay on a Weight Watchers program...)

Which Star Is Which???

2007-02-01T13:14:00.000-08:00

Megan and Kate Walsh (aka Addison Montgomery Shepherd on Grey's Anatomy). Thanks Molly at Park City Mountain Resort for setting up their meeting!

Good News

2007-01-15T11:12:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I can get so caught up in the silliness of life that I forget to share the most amazing parts of it.

Megan’s last appointment with the oncologist brought very good news. Her CA-125 has gone down another 7 points! While the word “remission” was not used, he did suggest that her disease is stable. He is thinking that this last chemo treatment of doxil might be her last for a while. The cancer cells are still in her body, but her body needs a break from the chemotherapy drugs and their toxicity. He would like to try tamoxifen, an estrogen suppressor in pill form, to be taken daily. Hey, if it doesn’t involve needles, I’d say it’s a good plan. Actually, it’s a very scary plan when you consider that it might give the cancer cells to gain another foothold. But it does make sense.

So, thats some amazing news, right?

Men of the NBA

2007-01-10T14:48:00.000-08:00

So I was at the Utah Jazz game last night. I couldn't fully concentrate on the game because I have a raging cold. But I started paying attention to the "hotness" of the players. The Dallas Mavericks may have kicked our butt on the court, but they lack hot players! (So there--Nowitzki "NitWitSki")

I'm compiling a list of the hottest men in the NBA. Right now, I have Matt Harpring of the Jazz at the top of my list. Mehmet Okur is right behind. Tony Parker of San Antonio is on the list. (Hey, if he's good enough for Eva Longoria, he can be on my list...) Also like Brian Grant and Grant Hill. I think Manu Ginobili will make the cut. Karl Malone and John Stockton can't be on the list because they are no longer in the NBA. Same thing with Raoul Lopez (okay, he wasn't really hot, but he was as cute as a puppy.)

What do you think? Who should make the hottest men in the NBA list? (By the way, I get the final vote and veto of who makes the list...)

39 Questions

2007-01-04T19:42:00.000-08:00

39 questions to bid farewell to 2006 & Welcome in 2007
1. What did you do in 2006 that you’d never done before?
I flew across two different oceans (medicated, of course.)

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don’t remember making a resolution. I was just so damn glad for 2005 to come to a close that I was just hopeful for a better 2006.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not that I can think of… my friends are all menopausal or close to it.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Sweet, wonderful Deborah, my friend and neighbor. She died suddenly and without cause. I sure miss her cheerful attitude about life.

5. What countries did you visit?
Oh, my… Copenhagen, Finland, Sweden, Russia, Germany, Estonia, Poland, France, Switzerland, Italy. It was quite a summer!

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
Time with my entire family at once, health for my entire family at once

7. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
July 4, 2006—Meeting my girls at the Paris airport for our European adventure. Do you know they don’t have fireworks in Paris on the 4th of July??? ;)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting through any of Megan’s doctors’ appointments without tears at the end

9. What was your biggest failure?
All the other doctors’ appointments..

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
nothing serious for me

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A pretty neat glass sculpture from Murano, Italy. It’s a rather abstract piece that looks like two dancers. Paid way more for it than I probably should have, but the girls MADE me do it.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Megan—she had been through such an ordeal. And generally, she has been optimistic and upbeat. Cancer can beat you down; I’d say she’s beating it up.
Sydney--she's doing great at her school. Elected to an office in her sorority and was selected as one of the top ten students on campus for her work during Homecoming.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
At the spur of the moment, I'd have to say Britney Spears. Would someone buy that girl some morals? Or some class? Or just some panties?

14. Where did most of your money go?
Just stupid stuff. Of course, basic living expenses, food, clothes, gasoline, but we also traveled quite a bit.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Tie between going to Hawaii for the first time, going on a Baltic Sea cruise, or just seeing Europe through the eyes of my kids.

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
Believe by Brooks and Dunn

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
a) Happier
b) Fatter
c)Richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Volunteer work, exercise

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
CRYING, eating, watching tv

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent Christmas right here in the Utah Mountains with my two girls and sweetheart of a husband

21. Did you fall in love in 2006?
After 24 years of marriage, he still can make me fall in love.

22. How many one-night stands?
Bahahaha

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Grey’s Anatomy—who can get through the week without a little McDreamy?

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Probably not. Don’t really hate anyone that I can quickly think of…

25. What was the best book you read?
I can’t say that any book just “grabbed” me this year. Of course, these 45 year old eyes are having a hard time with reading the smallish print, so I haven’t really been reading as much as I used to.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I like Alan Jackson’s take on country gospel.

27. What did you want and get?
I wanted a semi normal year. Wasn’t sure we’d have it, but medical miracles are still happening and giving us time and hope..

28. What did you want and not get?
A cure

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Hands down—Little Miss Sunshine. Just laugh out loud funny!

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 45 this year. I was in Louisiana visiting my daughter and extended family. I took my mom to get her hair done and then had lunch alone in a Mexican restaurant next door to the salon. Pretty bad…

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
See #28 above.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Still doing the ski town mom look. Knit pants, jeans, sweater.

33. What kept you sane?
Friends, mostly. Chocolate, cosmos.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I’m still in love with Keith Urban. I forgive him for marrying Nicole. ;)

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Without question, Iraq.

36. Who did you miss?
I missed having my oldest and bestest friends—the ones who knew me when I was a geeky kid and liked me anyway—being a part of my everyday existence.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
I can’t think of anyone really new.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006.
I think 2006 was the year I learned to let go of the worry. Not that I don’t worry, but I’ve learned to not let it permeate into every pore of my being.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
MY WISH by Rascal Flatts
I hope that days come easy and moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

More then anything, more then anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it,
To your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more then you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,

Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more then you take.

Oh More then anything, Yeah, and more then anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it,
To your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more then you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

What a difference a year makes...

2006-12-07T10:31:00.000-08:00

Here is Megan this Thanksgiving. Her hairstyle is so adorable. Can you believe that one year ago she was completely bald from chemotherapy? She continues the journey--with many, many potholes. But her smile is still radiant.

And the winning team is....

2006-12-06T15:23:00.000-08:00

once again the LSU TIGERS! Poor Kevin! It really looked like this could be Arkansas' year. It seemed like the timing was right for that Arkansas Razorback ornament to go to the top of our Christmas tree. But, alas, it seems one more year that Kevin and the rest of the Razorback community will have to endure a Tiger win.

Halloween 2006

2006-11-06T12:40:00.000-08:00

Yes, even boring dweebs like me celebrate Halloween. The first pic is from the annual Spice Girls Bunko Halloween Extravaganza. What a great group of women! Good to laugh with, good to cry with, good to have lunch with, good to have a drink with. I'm blessed to have them in my life. The other two pics are of Annabelle and Addy. They truly do not understand people's fascination with animals in costume. Just seems WRONG, doesn't it.

Fall 2006 Vegas

2006-11-06T10:44:00.000-08:00

Just a few pics of Kevin and me and the beautiful decorations in the Bellagio atrium.

The End of Fall

2006-10-06T12:15:00.000-07:00

Autumn is the most melancholy season of all. For me, it is a reminder of the passing of time. Time--the one commodity we can't seem to capture and save. I've watched the maples and oaks turn magnificent shades of red and orange. Then, just like a fire, the colors die away. The aspens are still golden, but with every breeze, more and more leaves fall to the ground. In just a few days the limbs will be bare. And in just a few weeks, the ground will be white with snow. Ah, if only we could make the fall last a little longer...

LSU Homecoming September 23, 2006

2006-10-03T14:14:00.000-07:00

Surprises

2006-09-27T16:15:00.000-07:00

Aren't surprises the best? Megan and I just pulled a great one. My family knew that I was arriving for a visit. They were unaware that Megan would be tagging along. So, I met my parents at the curb of the New Orleans airport, put my luggage in the trunk, then looked around and announced, "Oh, I've forgotten something. I need to run back in." I went back into the terminal and brought Megan out with me. It was GREAT! Then when Syd got to my folks' house, I sent her upstairs to get her "birthday present" off the bed. I could hear her yelling to Megan (who videotaped the whole thing), "I just talked to you on the phone!"

I just love good surprises.

Happy 24th Anniversary

2006-09-18T15:00:00.000-07:00

Okay--so I'm not the best at keeping an up-to-date blog. Friends, I know many of you are concerned that I am still somewhere in the Baltic Sea. Never fear, we made it home from our journeys in reasonably sane shape. Had a great time. If I ever figure out how to post photos, I'll put a couple on this blog.

Today is our 24th wedding anniversary. My, how time flies! Or does it creep? Depends on the day, I guess. We're having quite the ride though. Planning on going out to dinner and thats about it. Kevin leaves tomorrow for Tulsa; I leave Wednesday for Louisiana.

Megan spent 3 nights on the lovely 8th floor of LDS hospital recently. Diagnosis--bowel obstruction. Things seem better. She started a new drug, Doxil. Its giving her terrible mouth sores. Poor thing can only eat very soft, cold, bland stuff.

Syd is still Syd. Going 20 different directions without a map. I'll see her in a couple of days and celebrate LSU's Homecoming with her.

So, until the next post...

Share a bottle of wine with someone you love!

Set to Sail

2006-06-24T11:12:00.000-07:00

We made it to Copenhagen! Unfortunately, a major piece of my luggage did not. But thats okay; if it doesn't show up in Sweden, I'll just make due. Of course, it is the bag with my new Talbots, Coldwater Creek, and other purchases. AND my dress shoes for formal night tomorrow night.

The flight over was uneventful. First class is THE way to fly to Europe. And Scandinavian Airlines is wonderful. I still didn't sleep much on the trip (played video games instead,) so I'm pretty tired now. But I think I'll sleep well tonight.

Sure wishing I had packed more Hershey bars... maybe the girls will bring a big bag when they meet me in Paris...

Ship pulls out of the harbor in less than an hour. Gotta go meet friends and toast the coastline as we pull away. Bon Voyage.

Countdown to our European Adventure

2006-06-17T12:58:00.000-07:00

Next week at this time, I'll be arriving in Copenhagen for the start of our European Adventures! There is a ton of work to prepare for a monthlong "vacation." The cruise portion of the trip is taking care of itself; I only have to show up with luggage and passport. The land portion (where I meet up with Megan and Sydney and travel through France, Switzerland, and Italy) is a tad more complicated. Hotels in 5 cities, rail passes, museum tickets, and car rental are reserved. I still need to figure out where we'll stay in Geneva. And I have to figure out the train schedule. And a quick lesson in French and Italian wouldn't hurt. Thank goodness Sydney knows French; it may save us in Paris. I don't know how much posting I'll do, but I'll attempt to keep track of our adventures via this blog; anyone who is remotely interested can check in and see how its going. I'll also post the link to the princess cruise line; they have a web cam from the deck of our ship, The Star Princess. Occasionally you can see the port where the ship is docked; keep in mind the time difference or you'll just see water or darkness. So, back to packing and organizing--and then LET THE FUN BEGIN!

If this drug works....Priceless

2006-06-12T13:21:00.000-07:00

Megan's first week on topotecan and thalidomide was uneventful. I'd take her to the oncologist's office, sit and watch the poison drip into her arm (thinking the whole time, "let it get the cancer, let it get the cancer."), and an hour or so later, I'd return to the condo in Salt Lake. These drugs aren't nearly as toxic as the taxol/carbo--I just hope they work. We have had a bugger of a time getting the thalidomide. And man, oh man, is it expensive!!!!! Albertson's pharmacy's price was $6800 per month; insurance pays 70-80%, depending on if its considered generic or not. But my hunter husband was able to locate the drug at Huntsman Cancer Institute and it was $1700. We're unclear as to whether the insurance pays the same percentage there. It is insane! But my fearless husband and his merry band of employees are on the case. Either way, we'll get the drug; hey--isn't that what credit cards are made for????

One day of poison dripped into daughter's arm--$10,000
One month of thalidomide------------------------$6,800
One more year of health------------------------Priceless

Welcome to the 21st Century

2006-06-09T18:31:00.000-07:00

Well, it seems I have moved into the 21st century. Blogging--what a concept. From this title, you get the idea of what is helping me make it through hell. Megan's illness has taken its toll. In the past year, she has grown up; and I have grown old...and fat. Heck, if I have to eat a bag of chocolates to stay sane, so be it. So, here's my first post. I'll add more as life warrants it. Now onto a nice merlot...