One week and 4 days post surgery--ramblings

Well, we're still here in the hospital. Tomorrow will be two weeks that she's been in this depressing, althought beautiful by hospital standards, room.

I really, REALLY, thought she'd be home by now. I thought we'd have been sent home with a fine assortment of pain meds 5 days post-op. But her intestines aren't working yet and today she has developed a kidney infection and started vomiting again. There is some talk of putting that gosh awful tube through her nose and into her stomach again.

So we continue to sit. I'm tired of sitting; I'm tired of being strong; and I'm tired of being so very alone. Cancer is so damn isolating. Its so difficult on Megan. She's the one getting poked and prodded. Her friends have visited, but they have healthy lives to live. They can't possibly "get it." And my friends have visited. And their visits help tremendously--but sometimes it just isn't enough.

I miss my old life. I miss having a dinner that doesn't come in a pizza box or a burger bag. I miss going to the store and running into friends with the latest gossip. I even miss sleeping with a husband who snores like a freight train. Right now, we mostly pass each other in the hospital hallway.

And I miss having a healthy family. Make no mistake--cancer might be in Megan's body, but it is attacking all of us.

I watch these large families for which Utah is so famous for. They all come to the hospital and they share the burden of this disease. This may be the first time I've ever envied that large family concept. Because I honestly believe this burden is really too large for just me and Kevin. I know people love to say that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. I can tell you that this is too much of too much. If I thought God gave this to us, I would lose my faith completely. If God was responsible for this, I would be done.

Enough ramblings.

Sitting and Hoping

Well, here I sit at Huntsman Cancer Hospital. Megan was admitted last Wednesday and had her surgery last Friday. It was a "real" surgery not a laproscopic look-see. Took a little over 5 hours. The news was a mixed bag. The surgeon was able to fix the narrowing between the stomach and the small bowel by making a by-pass in a different section of the stomach that connects to the small bowel a little lower down. Because of some larger size tumors, they resected a bit more of the lower bowel, leaving her the minimum amount of bowel needed to absorb nutrients. And the worst of it was all the small sized tumor nodules that were left behind. The surgeon said it looked like someone had tossed a handfull of rice sized tumors throughout the abdominal cavitiy. So, they couldn't get all of that.

So the next step is recovery. It is slow. Megan is a trooper. She's been up and about--even showing off the art in the hallways to her friends. And then more chemo. Our greatest hope is that with the right chemotherapy agents, we can buy enough time for some of the promising drugs that are in the research pipeline. Maybe one of them will be Megan's magic bullet!

I am not without my pity party--table for one. I am committed to staying positive for 95% of every day. If I need 5% to grieve for what Megan has lost, for what we have lost, for what we may lose in the future--well, thats what I need and I'll take it.