LSU Homecoming 2007

What a happy time for our family... Sydney was named Homecoming Queen in front of 90,000 LSU fans. It was quite a night.
 
 
 
 

One week and 4 days post surgery--ramblings

Well, we're still here in the hospital. Tomorrow will be two weeks that she's been in this depressing, althought beautiful by hospital standards, room.

I really, REALLY, thought she'd be home by now. I thought we'd have been sent home with a fine assortment of pain meds 5 days post-op. But her intestines aren't working yet and today she has developed a kidney infection and started vomiting again. There is some talk of putting that gosh awful tube through her nose and into her stomach again.

So we continue to sit. I'm tired of sitting; I'm tired of being strong; and I'm tired of being so very alone. Cancer is so damn isolating. Its so difficult on Megan. She's the one getting poked and prodded. Her friends have visited, but they have healthy lives to live. They can't possibly "get it." And my friends have visited. And their visits help tremendously--but sometimes it just isn't enough.

I miss my old life. I miss having a dinner that doesn't come in a pizza box or a burger bag. I miss going to the store and running into friends with the latest gossip. I even miss sleeping with a husband who snores like a freight train. Right now, we mostly pass each other in the hospital hallway.

And I miss having a healthy family. Make no mistake--cancer might be in Megan's body, but it is attacking all of us.

I watch these large families for which Utah is so famous for. They all come to the hospital and they share the burden of this disease. This may be the first time I've ever envied that large family concept. Because I honestly believe this burden is really too large for just me and Kevin. I know people love to say that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. I can tell you that this is too much of too much. If I thought God gave this to us, I would lose my faith completely. If God was responsible for this, I would be done.

Enough ramblings.

Sitting and Hoping

Well, here I sit at Huntsman Cancer Hospital. Megan was admitted last Wednesday and had her surgery last Friday. It was a "real" surgery not a laproscopic look-see. Took a little over 5 hours. The news was a mixed bag. The surgeon was able to fix the narrowing between the stomach and the small bowel by making a by-pass in a different section of the stomach that connects to the small bowel a little lower down. Because of some larger size tumors, they resected a bit more of the lower bowel, leaving her the minimum amount of bowel needed to absorb nutrients. And the worst of it was all the small sized tumor nodules that were left behind. The surgeon said it looked like someone had tossed a handfull of rice sized tumors throughout the abdominal cavitiy. So, they couldn't get all of that.

So the next step is recovery. It is slow. Megan is a trooper. She's been up and about--even showing off the art in the hallways to her friends. And then more chemo. Our greatest hope is that with the right chemotherapy agents, we can buy enough time for some of the promising drugs that are in the research pipeline. Maybe one of them will be Megan's magic bullet!

I am not without my pity party--table for one. I am committed to staying positive for 95% of every day. If I need 5% to grieve for what Megan has lost, for what we have lost, for what we may lose in the future--well, thats what I need and I'll take it.

That four letter word--hope

The last week and a half turned into quite the roller coaster ride. Megan's regular medical oncologist essentially told us that he could not cure her and he didn't know anyone who could. Not new news, but we still left feeling heartbroken and devastated. That very night she would up in the e.r. with another partial bowel obstruction. Oh the conversations one can have with a daughter in the e.r...

Fast forward one week--we meet with her gynecological oncologist (surgeon). I was very straight and to the point: we have not been getting answers that we like; we have the means and can and will go anywhere and meet with anyone who might give us a chance; is this the best place and does anyone here have a plan? She looked at the chart, the ct scan results and told us there are reasons for cautious optimism. She doesn't have a silver bullet but she thinks it is reasonable to find out what is going on. Is is cancer causing the obstructions? Probably--but we don't know that for sure. So her suggestions were twofold (almost threefold): 1)needle asperation to access the liquid in Megan's stomach for signs of cancer cells; if cancer is present, proceed with chemotherapy or 2) laproscopic surgery to see what is going on; if it is scar tissue that is causing the obstruction proceed with more invasive procedure to fix the problem; if it is a tumor that is localized, proceed with more invasive surgery to remove it and start chemotherapy; if the tumor is not localized, proceed with chemotherapy without additional invasive surgery. All in all, we felt like there is hope--like there is someone who thinks this might work.

It is Megan's decision. The needle asperation scares the daylight out of her. But it surely seems alot less risky. And we can still get valuable information. Of course, if she wants the surgery, we will support that decision too. Let the mulling begin...

Tonight may we all drink a toast to hope--a four letter word that doesn't get used enough. And may we also say a prayer of thanksgiving for those who can give hope in the most hellish of times.

The High Uintahs

I went into the Uintah Mountains for a little mental vacation this weekend. I really needed to get away from the activity of town to ease my troubled soul. Here are a few pictures I took. I hope they capture the peace and beauty of the area:

 
 
 

Dianne's Floatathon

Happy Birthday to my good friend Dianne!

We celebrated her special day with a day of boating on a local reservoir. It hadn't rained in over 30 days and on our planned fun day the sky was dark and ominous. But the weather held off (except for that menacing funnel cloud...)and we made the most of it. What a blast. We decided that we won't wait for another birthday to do this again.


 
 
 

Summertime in the West

Remember the saying, "Be careful what you wish for?" Winters last so long in the mountains with snow well into May. So by June, we are wishing for summer. It usually arrives sometime in late June to late July. But this year, it has arrived with a vengeance! Hot, hot, hot and dry, dry, dry. Portions of the west are infernos.

But enough about the west--what about ME? All I want to do is spend a little quality time outside and unless I get out there before 10 AM, it is just too darn hot and dry. Is it too much to want to garden or hike a bit? Because I am attempting to be a better citizen, we are not watering out lawn very frequently and my yard and flowers are all going to hell. And because of the smoke from the wildfires, I am in a constant state of sneezing and sniffling. Hurray for Benadryl!

Summers really are the best time of year in the mountains. Concerts in the park, drives with the top down, dinners on the deck--great times that are pretty hard to beat. Just be sure and wear a hat and sunscreen. And try to realize how short our summers really are.

But today I sit thinking about the coolness of fall and the downright coldness of winter. I know that the arctic chill of winter will come and I'll be complaining about it too. But for now, I think I'll kick the AC down a few degrees.

A Boy and His Toy

So, here's KB and the latest proof of his midlife crisis...

 
 

Ramblings of a cosmo-laced mind

First of all--one should not drink white cosmos if one is already down in the dumps. Trust me, it just makes the dumps a worst place.

Second of all--one should not try to blog while drinking cosmos and in the dumps. Life is tough enough...

So--the last 7 days have been "sucky" to say the least.

My oldest cousin, Donna, died of breast cancer. She was 59 and a most amazing woman. She understood childrearing long before we had the likes of Oprah, Dr. Phil, etc. to explain it to us. She got "IT"--that to raise polite, kind, sweet kids, one must model politeness, kindness, and sweetness. She didn't just model it; she was it.

My neighbor and friend Sarah was diagnosed with breast cancer. To say the least, I am cancered-out. I mean, I know everyone hates the disease, but I've just had more than my share of cancer news in the last couple of years.

And then... this stupid home remodel has me in a complete and utter state of aggravation. This project was supposed to be 4-6 weeks. As of last night, the earliest completion date is sometime in September. That will put us at 6 MONTHS! I'm ready to hang any and all contractors and subcontractors. They are just hacking me off!

Oh--and knowing I have to go to Louisiana in the next few weeks for my parents' 50th wedding anniversary. Louisiana in July--nuff said.

Okay--so now the cosmo has made me sleepy. Like I said, cosmos and blogging--not a good combination.

A Great Dad

Here's to my dad--the keeper of great treasures in his shirt pocket

 

Defining and redefining our lives

Good news comes in unexpected forms--like finding out that the lump one's daughter finds is really a rib. After teasing her about the difference between tumors and ribs, we are breathing a sigh of relief.

I know that once someone you love has a cancer diagnosis, everything--and I do mean everything--seems to exist in terms of the disease. "We went on that trip in the spring of 2005--that was before cancer." Or "That was the first Christmas with cancer." Or "I don't think we've done anything like that since cancer."

I'm hoping that with increasing good news our lives will not be defined strictly in terms of the disease. I think if we allow our lives to be restricted by something like cancer--then cancer wins. I'd like to think we can beat this disease on some, if not every, level.

Another Quote

“There are moments in life when the forces that be hit us over the head and say, ‘Here. Now. Pay attention. This is important.’ In these concussive moments we are left with a choice: to open our hearts and gather what wisdom we can or to shut down ….” --Maria Sirois from Every Day Counts

More beach pics

For some reason these pics weren't included in the last post. Don't know why...

 
 

Beach Time

Just returned from a much needed attitude adjustment in Destin, Florida. I love, love, love the beach. Weather was perfect, water was an amazing shade of turquoise. Spent most of the time under an umbrella, just watching the world go by. Oh--and as always, I made my presence known as a Jazz fan...

 
 
 
 

How 'bout dem Jazz?

We flew to Houston for the last game of the Houston Rockets/Utah Jazz series. It was quite a last-minute thing. Kevin and I were in full fan mode. We were surrounded and booed by the Houston fans as we approached the Toyota center and security escorted us into the arena. The outcome was perfect for the Utah fans. It was a whirlwind 24 hour trip, but what a great memory. BTW, Battier is now on my list of NBA hotties...

 
 
 
 

A favorite quote

"I would like to achieve a state of inner spiritual grace from which I could function and give as I was meant to in the eye of God."

--Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift from the Sea

Welcome to Daniel Ryan

 
 
 
 

Like Mother, Like Daughter

 
 

These are pictures of Sydney and me taken nearly 25 years apart. The one of me (in the pink dress) was taken in about 1963; the one of Sydney was taken in 1988. And in 2007, we still wish our friends a blessed and happy Easter.

Emptying the Nest--All Over Again

I remember the first phase of our first empty nest. August 2001--we flew to Virginia and spent two hurried days shopping for Megan's first dorm at Mary Washington College. I couldn't help but feel immense pride at this brave child of mine--going to college, far from home, far from family, far from friends. She had been a shy, introverted young girl but somehow she had grown up able to face the world head-on. What more could a parent dream for their child?

Fast forward to summer 2005--I sat with Megan as she watched our friends move her belongings out of her very first "grown up" apartment. She loved her quirky apartment in "the avenues." But she realized that it would be a long while (if ever)before she would be able to manage on her own. She grieved for everything she had already lost in her young adult life--her apartment, her job, her future children. Cancer robs everyone of something; it seemed to take more than its fair share from her. I wasn't sure she would survive long enough to grasp the enormity of it all. My dreams for her were more immediate--just survive...

And now--2007. The movers arrived in the morning snow storm. But none of us cared about the weather. She was so ready!

Getting to move into her own place again is such a big step. I wasn't sure the day would ever arrive. She feels strong and is able to work almost full time. She has days that are bad, but most of her days are good, or at least manageable. But I'm the mom and the worry is always there. Will she eat? Will she keep the place clean enough? Will she take her meds? Will she get rest?

Her bedroom is nearly empty. The rest of the house is dotted with pieces of her leaving. But my heart is still full of love. And my dream for her today is the same as it has always been--be happy.

Day after VD

Happy Day after Valentines Day--a holiday created by Hallmark and FTD.

We went to a cute cafe that does not take reservations. We had a 35 minute wait--not too bad for a couples' holiday. Then, being the romantics that we are, we took off for the Jazz game where it looked like Cleveland was going to sock it to us. But somehow, in the final quarter, the Jazz pulled their heads out of their butts and actually won the game. Yeah Us! 35 and 17 season, so far. Looks like we'll be back in the playoffs this year.

Tomorrow we're leaving for Vegas and the NBA All Star Weekend. The boys will do all the "basketball stuff" and the girls will go to shows, malls, and pool and spa areas. Vegas is a perfect town--truly something for everyone. We'll see the "Love" show by Cirque du Soleil and then we'll see Danny Gans. And I'm sure we'll hit our favorite restaurants and maybe try a couple of new ones. (And somehow, through the weekend, I'm supposed to stay on a Weight Watchers program...)

Which Star Is Which???

 

Megan and Kate Walsh (aka Addison Montgomery Shepherd on Grey's Anatomy). Thanks Molly at Park City Mountain Resort for setting up their meeting!

Good News

Sometimes I can get so caught up in the silliness of life that I forget to share the most amazing parts of it.

Megan’s last appointment with the oncologist brought very good news. Her CA-125 has gone down another 7 points! While the word “remission” was not used, he did suggest that her disease is stable. He is thinking that this last chemo treatment of doxil might be her last for a while. The cancer cells are still in her body, but her body needs a break from the chemotherapy drugs and their toxicity. He would like to try tamoxifen, an estrogen suppressor in pill form, to be taken daily. Hey, if it doesn’t involve needles, I’d say it’s a good plan. Actually, it’s a very scary plan when you consider that it might give the cancer cells to gain another foothold. But it does make sense.

So, thats some amazing news, right?

Men of the NBA

So I was at the Utah Jazz game last night. I couldn't fully concentrate on the game because I have a raging cold. But I started paying attention to the "hotness" of the players. The Dallas Mavericks may have kicked our butt on the court, but they lack hot players! (So there--Nowitzki "NitWitSki")

I'm compiling a list of the hottest men in the NBA. Right now, I have Matt Harpring of the Jazz at the top of my list. Mehmet Okur is right behind. Tony Parker of San Antonio is on the list. (Hey, if he's good enough for Eva Longoria, he can be on my list...) Also like Brian Grant and Grant Hill. I think Manu Ginobili will make the cut. Karl Malone and John Stockton can't be on the list because they are no longer in the NBA. Same thing with Raoul Lopez (okay, he wasn't really hot, but he was as cute as a puppy.)

What do you think? Who should make the hottest men in the NBA list? (By the way, I get the final vote and veto of who makes the list...)

39 Questions

39 questions to bid farewell to 2006 & Welcome in 2007
1. What did you do in 2006 that you’d never done before?
I flew across two different oceans (medicated, of course.)

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don’t remember making a resolution. I was just so damn glad for 2005 to come to a close that I was just hopeful for a better 2006.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not that I can think of… my friends are all menopausal or close to it.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Sweet, wonderful Deborah, my friend and neighbor. She died suddenly and without cause. I sure miss her cheerful attitude about life.

5. What countries did you visit?
Oh, my… Copenhagen, Finland, Sweden, Russia, Germany, Estonia, Poland, France, Switzerland, Italy. It was quite a summer!

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
Time with my entire family at once, health for my entire family at once

7. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
July 4, 2006—Meeting my girls at the Paris airport for our European adventure. Do you know they don’t have fireworks in Paris on the 4th of July??? ;)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting through any of Megan’s doctors’ appointments without tears at the end

9. What was your biggest failure?
All the other doctors’ appointments..

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
nothing serious for me

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A pretty neat glass sculpture from Murano, Italy. It’s a rather abstract piece that looks like two dancers. Paid way more for it than I probably should have, but the girls MADE me do it.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Megan—she had been through such an ordeal. And generally, she has been optimistic and upbeat. Cancer can beat you down; I’d say she’s beating it up.
Sydney--she's doing great at her school. Elected to an office in her sorority and was selected as one of the top ten students on campus for her work during Homecoming.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
At the spur of the moment, I'd have to say Britney Spears. Would someone buy that girl some morals? Or some class? Or just some panties?

14. Where did most of your money go?
Just stupid stuff. Of course, basic living expenses, food, clothes, gasoline, but we also traveled quite a bit.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Tie between going to Hawaii for the first time, going on a Baltic Sea cruise, or just seeing Europe through the eyes of my kids.

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
Believe by Brooks and Dunn


17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
a) Happier
b) Fatter
c)Richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Volunteer work, exercise

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
CRYING, eating, watching tv

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent Christmas right here in the Utah Mountains with my two girls and sweetheart of a husband

21. Did you fall in love in 2006?
After 24 years of marriage, he still can make me fall in love.

22. How many one-night stands?
Bahahaha

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Grey’s Anatomy—who can get through the week without a little McDreamy?

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Probably not. Don’t really hate anyone that I can quickly think of…

25. What was the best book you read?
I can’t say that any book just “grabbed” me this year. Of course, these 45 year old eyes are having a hard time with reading the smallish print, so I haven’t really been reading as much as I used to.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I like Alan Jackson’s take on country gospel.

27. What did you want and get?
I wanted a semi normal year. Wasn’t sure we’d have it, but medical miracles are still happening and giving us time and hope..

28. What did you want and not get?
A cure

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Hands down—Little Miss Sunshine. Just laugh out loud funny!

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 45 this year. I was in Louisiana visiting my daughter and extended family. I took my mom to get her hair done and then had lunch alone in a Mexican restaurant next door to the salon. Pretty bad…

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
See #28 above.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Still doing the ski town mom look. Knit pants, jeans, sweater.

33. What kept you sane?
Friends, mostly. Chocolate, cosmos.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I’m still in love with Keith Urban. I forgive him for marrying Nicole. ;)

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Without question, Iraq.

36. Who did you miss?
I missed having my oldest and bestest friends—the ones who knew me when I was a geeky kid and liked me anyway—being a part of my everyday existence.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
I can’t think of anyone really new.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006.
I think 2006 was the year I learned to let go of the worry. Not that I don’t worry, but I’ve learned to not let it permeate into every pore of my being.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
MY WISH by Rascal Flatts
I hope that days come easy and moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

More then anything, more then anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it,
To your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more then you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,


Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more then you take.

Oh More then anything, Yeah, and more then anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it,
To your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more then you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.